Raising Money for the National Autistic Society

At the end of the original blog post we have included a number of reader comments and stories which are well worth reading!

A few minutes ago I posted a question on our Facebook Page AutismTalk. In the question the gentleman mentioned that he was a single parent of a child with ASD.

Now this caught my eye because I remember being told that most parents of children with ASD split up after diagnosis. The figure given was 80%. But given the anecdotal evidence around me I am not sure if this is true at all.

While being the father of a child with autism has its moments so, I can assure you, is being the parent of a neurotypical child as well. Especially when they step into the teenage years. (Note to daughter – if I actually was running a hotel I would expect to be paid).

So I thought this would be a good opportunity to explore the whole area of how autism impacts upon relationships. For full disclosure my wife and I are together and participate jointly in bringing up our children.

In the first instance it would be great if you could share your marital status in the poll below. Now I know that this is pretty complex and amorphous so please choose the one you feel closest to. I’m not for example going to differentiate between gay and straight for example. You can choose more than one answer by the way. And the responses are private of course!

After that please feel free to use the comments box below to share a bit more about your story. If you have any tips for other readers that would be great!

• Gemma – 

  I was married to the father of my 10 year old son we split up when my son was 5, as he never supported us & has never accepted our son’s diagnosis
  I’m in a relationship now with my current partner who I am engaged too, who loves my son as his own, supports him & me & accepts my son’s Autism

• Caroline –

  I’m co-parenting with my new partner. My marriage to the father of my ASD son collapsed, in part because I didn’t feel supported in dealing with our son’s issues. I felt like a single parent long before I became one.

• Alicia – 

  The result of your poll is very encouraging. As the parents of a almost 7 year old boy with autism,we found that accepting the diagnosis and focussing on early intervention was what assisted in maintaining. Of course there are heavy financial implications which also adds to strain in relationships,however I firmly believe non-acceptance contributes to the breakdown in relationship between parents/partners. Strongs to all the parents of special needs children, God bless you and your families.

• Alicia –

  The result of your poll is very encouraging. As the parents of a almost 7 year old boy with autism,we found that accepting the diagnosis and focussing on early intervention was what assisted in maintaining. Of course there are heavy financial implications which also adds to strain in relationships,however I firmly believe non-acceptance contributes to the breakdown in relationship between parents/partners. Strongs to all the parents of special needs children, God bless you and your families.

• Lass – 

  when I found out my son,now 6, was diagnosed with ads I was serving time in a federal penitentiary. His mom and I had split up prior to my encarceration and I was heavy into drugs and all that goes with it. I’ve now been out for 3 years almost off parole, clean, working, and living with my sons mom who I am happily maried to. I spend every possible second I have with my son and am deeply involved in all aspects of his development. He is a HUGE dads boy. What may negatively affect his whole life has been a blessing in mine. He is my little soldier, and I will fight right by his side for all my days to come!! I love you Kaelor Mattew Hoffman!!

• Amy – 

  After splitting with my ex and father to my asd son i was single for a few years but I have been dating and in a relationship for almost 3 years with a wonderful man who loves me and my son and he is wonderful with him and they have a very special bond.

• Nancy – 

  My husband is a truck driver, at times it’s really hard my daughter is 2 now has autism and it feels like single at times because he’s not here to help me with her and my other two kids some times I just breakdown and cry

• Angie – 

  I am a single mom of 3 Autistic boys…..all have the same father ( people ask me all the time), I was married for almost 12 years and we were together almost 14 when he started being violent with me and the boys. I chose to move out, initially thinking we would co parent, but that faded quickly. I left on 12/11/10 and the last time he saw the boys was 3/4/11. The last telephone contact was 8/26/11. He blocked me on fb and moved to Florida. After being court ordered to pay child support and had paid for 3 months before he ran away to Florida. I am isolated and have no family who are willing to watch the boys, now 14, 11 & 8.

• val – 

  I am mother to 1 daughter on the autism spectrum and 1 neurotypical daughter. Although I am married and live with their father, I am unsure for how long this will continue to be the case as he doesn’t deal well with the situation, contributing to a breakdown in relationships.

•  – 

  My son’s father left b4 I knew my son had ASD and b4 my daughter was born… im in a relationship with another guy now and he’s been there since i was pregnant with my little girl and we now have a son together..

• Helen – 

  My relationship with children’s father ended as a combination of very difficult situations, my son has ASD and that was a contributing factor. Their father has weekly overnight contact which they all enjoy but that is as much as both the children and their father can handle.
  I am in a long term relationship now but I find it easier for it to be ‘weekends and holidays’ only as for now my main concern is my kids

• Mir –

  I Have complete genesis of the corpus callosum with #ASD tendencies, I am a mother to 2 neurotypical children & I separated from their dad “after” diagnosis.

• Kris –

  I am the stepmother of 3 autistic children and my husband (their father) has Aspergers. I’m the primary caretaker and their parents split not so much over the childrens’ spectrum status but his and the challenges that posed to a relationship (which is not always easy for sure lol). I know this isn’t really the answer you’re looking for in the poll, but definitely another major faction of the ASD parenting group 😀

  MartyGrinton	Me and my daughters mother are separated but remained best friends and i met my wife who absolutely adores and loves my daughter and we all think my daughter couldn’t be any happier with all love she gets
  ThomasGray	I am an autistic parent caring for two children, one neurotypical, one suspected of having aspergers.
  AmazingAimz	Me and my sons father split up before he was born and he’s never really been involved in his life he has not sees him at Christmas now. My son was diagnosed just before he was 3 and he’s now 8 and a half. I only found out a few years ago his dad has aspergers and he’s been flaky in all his relationships and I do worry that my son will be the same, especially as I’ve not had a real relationship since so he’s never seen a good, functioning relationship like that. However I hope that the way I raise him will have more of an impact than I think it will and he’ll be fine lol
  Imahumdinger	continued…I still need down time very much (though now I understand why) and yet I feel like I really don’t have that luxury because parenting my son requires so much attention and hands on, aware and present parenting. I did somehow manage to meet and become engaged to a wonderful man. He embraces all my quirks and loves me unconditionally. He has a degree in Art and I really think he is on the spectrum, too, but he is also very social. I feel extremely blessed to have him in our lives. He works with me at parenting strategies and makes good suggestions and wants very much to be an involved parent for my son. My son’s behaviour has been something we have been working on improving to an acceptable point before we get married. With the help my son is getting through a psychiatrist and counselor as well as his current school district, we have come a very long way and he is doing much better. The struggles I face most are being consistent and providing structure for my son. Those 2 things are constantly where I falter most.
  Imahumdinger	I am a single mom, though now engaged, of an 11 year old boy with Aspergers. What makes my story a little different, perhaps, is that I also have Aspergers. I found out at age 50 and my son was 10 when he was diagnosed. I have another son who just turned 18 and does not currently live in our home. I believe he may be on the spectrum as well, however, he does not want to talk about it or be assessed. The challenges I am facing are so tough as I have to learn how to parent my special needs son while now realizing that I also have special needs and somehow convert what I need to learn at his level (I never got that manual) to successful and effective parenting. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed and I stay tired.
  AutismAnonymous	*Sigh* Not sure why life/relationships  have to be so complicated. I am married, and have been for nearly 30 years. We were married 11 years before our ASD child was even born, and it was several years until an official dx, even though all the signs were there. I had already raised his child from a previous marriage, and we had an older child of our own. Our last child also showed some symptoms, but not enough for a dx. Hers are/were mostly sensory. Where to begin? My husband and I do not technically live together. He has never been very good at dealing with children, and ours were very hard for him to tolerate. The children and I live next door in a house that is owned by my mother, but is on our property.  My mother had a severe head injury two years before our ASD child was born, necessitating a move into our home.  I do all of her driving and cooking. She had the home we are in now moved here years ago.  My husband and I are no longer intimate, and haven’t been for years, although he claims to love me still, and within the last few years stopped a lifelong habit of smoking after receiving a dx of COPD, claiming he wanted/needed to be here for me and the kids.  He does come over for meals, and will very grudgingly (and usually hatefully) accompany us on family outings on rare occasion.  I do not believe it really occurs to him that he is hateful. If I quietly point out that he is being hateful he will at first deny, but will later usually  apologize. So, I guess I am married on paper, but I do all the work as far as the children are concerned. He makes the money, and keeps the cars running.  We try to leave him alone, but if we really need him for something he is nearby.  Please no negative comments, this has provided the most  stable environment I could provide  for my children to grow up in, even though it is unconventional. I am free to care for my mother, and my children, and he is here if I need him. I do not have to work and leave my children, which is a HUGE bonus. Despite the way this all sounds, we are all very calm and drama free. I do not provoke confrontation, and if I see he is in a mood I shift attention elsewhere so there is no drama or negativity. It is what it is.  If we need to reevaluate our circumstances when all the children are grown, I am sure we will do just that. At this time, the children need a stable, drama free environment to function in more than I need a “relationship”.
  anewman0384	I split with my father’s children before my son was diagnosed. I am now in a much healthier relationship and we co-parent my children. I feel it is very staining on our relationship right now because we have a newly diagnosed child and both of us are trying to figure it all it. now on top of my sweetheart trying to learn how to be a parent he must also learn how to be a parent to an autistic child. I am still struggling with the diagnosis myself, so it causes so many fights and arguments in our home. So far we are making it through stronger with each others support. but I would be lying if I didn’t say that some days I wonder if we will make it through this diagnosis together. it is so sad that one of the hardest things in the world to hear can be followed by so much turmoil and stress and frustration.