A few days ago one of the readers of our Facebook page AutismTalk asked a very useful question which we share with our readers.

“Having an autistic son. We had never really thought of how this would affect his siblings until last nite. Our 11yr old was telling us about a friend of hers at school who has said how mental our son is and then continues to reel off all the other difficulties he has. How does your family manage this? Thoughts please x”

We re-posted this question verbatim on AutismTalk. And them followed up with a more general question of life with an a sibling on the autism spectrum.

The results were fascinating and we thought we would take this opportunity to share some of the responses with you. It would be great if you could use the comments section below to share your story about have a brother or sister on the autism spectrum.

Lesley shared “Teach all of your children that your child is different but everyone is a little bit different and that’s okay, you should be proud of who you are. My middle boy struggles with anger issues as a result of not understanding or being understood. He didn’t know why and he couldn’t control it and felt awful about it. But now he knows that he has autism (as well as other co-morbid diagnosis) and this is why sometimes he doesn’t understand and gets frustrated. He knows it makes him different and that its okay to be different. And now that he knows why he’s actually learning to regulate his own feelings so that he can walk away and calm down as opposed to getting mad and blowing up. It is hard but he has friends now who accept him and because he isn’t shy about explaining his diagnosis it helps the other children to understand.”

While Jane brought up the important question of education and schooling “My daughter cries because of the other kids laughing at her brother. She explained to me the pain that she feels in her body when the kids call him names. So I have found a new school for her. And in the process of finding a new school for him to. But I have decided to keep them separate.”

For Carrie in some ways it has been pretty positive “My son with ASD is the youngest. All it has done is make his older siblings more patient, more understanding and more accepting than they already were. Do they have to make some sacrifices to accommodate their brother? Absolutely. But they adore him and wouldn’t have it any other way!”

Melissa responded to this by saying “Mine is also the youngest of 3 boys he almost 5 and brothers are 17 and 11 and they adore him and take great pride to care and see to him. They had to miss doing at times but they are wonderful with him and it has made their bond as brothers even more stronger and closer and the respect to always be their for each other”

Kat talked about spending a bit more time with her neurotypical children. As she says “My youngest daughter is very understanding about her teenage brother with asd but I do feel for her at times 🙁 she has to take a back step particularly during melt downs. I try to spend quality time with her alone often to make up for this x”

To this Mauri responded with “Sadly 1 of the reason’s i decided not 2 have anymore after my wee yin was diagnosed so he an only child ;”

For Tammy not everything is upbeat ” I have twin boys aged 12 & one with ASD, his brother does on the whole try to understand & often can calm him down but we also have moments where he struggles especially when my ASD son can’t manage school at the moment but it’s not a jealousy thing he is just missed by his brother at school. When ASD son had 4 straight weeks off school his brother said he felt there was a piece of him missing.” She went on to share this very useful piece of advice “When my son got his diagnosis which was 5 months ago we sat both my boys down together & explained to my son how his brother is still the same person just his way of thinking is different. Don’t get me wrong at times we have problems with my son just not understanding why his brother (ASD) behaves the way he does & we have had tears from him when his brother has melt downs & says all sorts of things to him . We did borrow some books to help my son understand as well. Hope my answer has helped a little but please feel free to ask anything else.”

It was great to get the view of somebody on the autism spectrum when Hillary shared “I’m the oldest of 3. My youngest sister and I both have ASD. She is more high-functioning than I am. Both of us have completely normal lives. I am getting married next year (my fiance does not have ASD, I know people ask sometimes), she is pursuing a degree in Forensic Chemistry. The fact that she is more high-functioning than I am bothers me sometimes, because it gets annoying needing help with so many things, but I feel like without ASD, I wouldn’t be myself.”

But as Bridgett mentioned it can be different for different children “My youngest has ASD he is 3, my middle son is only 11 months older and gets jealous quite a bit and acts out cause he doesn’t really understand why he goes to the Dr with us and ect, my oldest is 11 and is very patient and helpful with him, it’s hard on the siblings but with lots of communication they will learn but it does take time.”

Indeed Tina echo this ” I have 3 a 11 year old daughter who loves her 7 year old brother(ASD) to bits but tends to prefer her own space but my 6 year old daughter copies him a lot and when they start fighting they always hurt each other she always comes of worse.”

” Every family and every child is uniquely different, so much depends upon the personalities, family structure, needs of each child, etc. My older children love their younger brother who has special needs, but if I told you that it’s easy and everything is “peaches and cream”- I’d be lying. They have the same worries and concerns that we do, which is very legitimate. They also cherish every little accomplishment that their younger brother makes.” was the positive view from Sherri Lynne.

And things do developed over the years ” My daughter (the older one) mothered her brother until middle school. She had a few months of issues ( probably jealousy that when she was diagnosed with dyslexia her father turned his attention back to her brother) I had to work with her to understand the problems were not her fault, and then then she did well. However, the mothering thing stopped, which was good. They still deal well with each other and they are 29 and 26.” As Vickie pointed out.

But one of Susan’s sons is very bitter “Our 45 year old son resents his 42 year old brother who has autism. The older one says he missed out on so much time spent with him, he will not discuss his childhood because it’s too painful. He is bitter and will not have anything to do with his brother. I tried to share myself as their mother but I had very little support.”

And there may be other issues “My 4 yr old has a habit of copying my ASD 6yr old…so not cool. We keep explaining to her that actually it is her who needs to show him how to behave…” as Melissa said.

“My daughter constantly feels not good enough for her brother. She’s full of emotion, hugs & very affectionate. He is not. It’s very hard to get her to realize not all people show love the same way.” Was the how it looks from Jaime’s point of view.

And do remember for some people it can be very tough. ” It’s HORRIBLE. I have NT sons either side of my ASD/ADHD/SPD/ODD daughter. My eldest son (now 15), was diagnosed with childhood depression at 10 as my daughter is just so incredibly loud, invasive & unpredictable. My youngest still wets the bed at 10 & has severe anxiety. My daughter meanwhile is having a great life. And all the support is for her of course. All the posts on FB are about the ASD child & fighting to allow them to have the same rights as everyone else. Thank you for shining a light on siblings. My kids have been cheated of a “normal” upbringing. Sadly, my eldest son doesn’t currently want any children as he doesn’t want to take the risk of having a child like his sister. “I don’t know how you do it mum”, he says. “I don’t think I could”. I don’t have a choice. “You would”, I tell him. I love ALL of my children but I do not celebrate autism. It has ruined my life & the lives of all my children. But it is what it is & we get on with it the best that we can.” said one of our contributors.

I’d like to thanks everyone who gave their time to add their thoughts.

Now it is over to you. It would be great if you could share your thoughts on the question “What is it like to have a sibling on the autism spectrum in the family?”

Please do share you thoughts and stories in the comments section below!

Many thanks in advance!