Our son, who has autism
I’m not 100% sure how to explain exactly what my problem is. Perhaps the best way is to tell the story of yesterday’s incident and ask for your advice on how we can help our son (and ourselves) find a solution. I’ve included this as part of our ongoing series on autism and challenging behaviour.
As you may or may not know, we have a seven-year-old son (called John) who is on the autistic spectrum. As we know, people with autism show a wide variety of behaviours, and pretty much none show the same exact pattern. That being said, many readers may have had similar experiences and will be able to suggest some ways my wife and I can work with John to try and end what I have called in the title of this blog post “unconscious vandalism”.
One of the things our son likes to do is spend time alone watching videos on YouTube. He mainly likes to watch science programs and similar programs. However, in the last week, he has started to take an interest in voting systems, but that is another matter.
Over the last few weeks, he has taken to blocking the door to the room where we keep the computer with a chair. I can understand that, like a lot of people with autism, he likes to be on his own. That being said, it seems now not to be the only reason.
Yesterday I came into the computer room in to get him to go to the kitchen for his supper and discovered what he had been up to. In the brief time since we had last looked in on him he has used a chair to climb up to the top of the bookshelves. He then took down a set of Russian dolls of which I was and am very fond and, well, smashed them up. Interestingly he did not bother to hide the evidence but just left the detritus of his actions on the floor.
I have no idea why he did so, and on asking him, it seems that neither does he. Hence, I describe his actions as unconscious vandalism. I don’t think that he is taking revenge on us, but again, he does know it is wrong. He could certainly see that I was upset when I saw the results of his afternoon.
By the way the incident can only have taken about 10 minutes since the last time we looked in on him.
So what to do? I have to say I’m clueless.
Thus, I’m turning this over to you. What can my wife and I do to wean John off these behaviours? Have you experienced anything similar in your life?
We would appreciate it if you could use the comments section below to share your stories and any advice you may have for us.
Thanks very much in advance.
| MANDY1967 | Repetitive behaviour, anxiety, boredom, attention seeking, communication/ processing information confusion and destructive behaviour, self soothing/ stimulating behaviours are hard to work out the difference. If you haven’t observed the slightly different indicators It will make your work extra hard. Write down little differences. As you say it can look unconscious, but if your child is shrugging and saying I don’t know or I don’t remember or I didn’t do it. Then giving them an emotional vocabulary is top priority. seems extreme but so is the behaviour….Set up a camera that can’t be seen So you can observe the indicators if he is being secretive about the behaviour. Often secretive can be an indicator of feeling guilty about the negative behaviour but not feeling safe to ask or not knowing that they need to ask for help if perfectionism is an issue…. “how can I fix my behaviour?” Instead of saying no, no, no you can try diversion with explanation…… e.g. I think you are feeling tired, how about getting your blanket. (choose a blanket.that has threads similar to the destroyed material.) Think creatively. The destroyed babushka dolls. How do they fit together, maybe it was a sequencing issue. He was unable to get them to work. Frustration that they won’t work. Using too much force (this cause affect regulation gets worse as they get stronger…..how much force is needed to unscrew a lid, retighten a lid?…..how much force Is needed to make something fit without breaking it?) Did he have a dream about them or see some on the internet? Ask questions. Try to work on one issue at a time, isolate it from ALL the other behaviour. This appears to be the only way to see effective change. Weariness of repeating ourselves is a vital change we need to work on in ourselves. Repetition of simple explanations are imperative. Explain it different ways. Ask him to repeat what you say. For example “I’m feeling tired, Ill go get my blanket. or he might say “I’m not tired.” Make him accountable. Tease out an answer. “What are you feeling then? Give him options….sad? Why? Are you struggling with your visit to Nan’s the other day? What happened?”) Accountability is often the perfect logical consequence. This way a lesson is learned until the behaviour becomes less and less. A communication/ processing issue is not impossible. Just allow for processing time. You could say Ill come.back in 10 minutes or it might work better if you just sit quietly. Don’t get impatient. The more patient you are, the quicker your answer will be. Know what you have struggles with yourself. Teach yourself. Be accountable yourself to be able to support your son. Are you angry, disappointed etc. Tell your son, explain your feelings.”this is how I act when I’m disappointed. My mummy gave me the dolls and they were special. I could have shown you how to fit them together.” We can’t really have private things with our little ones. But as they get older, it gets easier. E.g. The rules have to be the same for everyone though. I have a special drawer. This drawer is inspected by each of my sons. Then it was closed and left alone to be mine. Each son has a special box. Each boy respects that box. With the oldest this was the hardest to teach. The oldest shares EVERYTHING whether his or not. Is it generosity? Is it jealousy? One emotion at a time. One behaviour at a time. Let the little things slip. You ll get to it later. Don’t over stimulate. Get him to analyse your moods. This is all imperative learning. Our job as parents is to teach our little ones emotional literacy. Sensory self soothing is a vital part of a happy child. Find what works for your child. Ask “what is he getting out of this behaviour?”. Attach a mood… use explanations. Not just stopping at…why did you do that? |
| MamiAyo | Have you tried a rewards system at all, my daughter is 4 1/2 and was diagnosed 1 month ago as being on the spectrum, however we were using the system before hand being assured by her previous Paed Specialist it was a behavioral issue, hence why she was diagnose at a late age…even with all the obvious symptoms and our detailed description of her unfamiliar behavior…..Delayed speech/sensory overload/public interaction.. Thankfully we are now in the care of another Specialist. |
| Sarah_Hills | I am sorry to hear this, I also want to thank you for posting this. To know someone is going through the same things as you are takes a little bit of weight off the shoulders. The only thing that has helped with us is social stories, My little girl finds it hard to express her self and we find that’s when she starts to destroy things. So maybe do a story about him breaking something and how it makes you feel. I would also do a story of when I feel sad, Mad, Alone I can talk to mum or dad or hug a teddy. Doesn’t stop it completely but reduces and they start to understand what to do if you read them the social story every day. |
| ChantelleLeluda | I feel for you , we too have the same issues , my partner and myself are into dragons and wizards , have always been , all our ornaments that we have left have ended up in a box put away for now , we don’t leave anything out that we don’t want our little man to damage , yes we do use the word no a frequently but have fond it does not work very well with our son , our modular lounge has been destroyed by our son , he will sit there and pull out the fine strands when we are busy cooking dinner , hanging out washing or even going to the toilet , we have holes on the lounge everywhere because of it , he has done the same with his mattress to his bed , he also like to pull out the fine threading on my bra’s and underwear , he has no respect for any of his toys or clothes as he will throw them around , smash and break them , we have tried everything to try stop him from doing all this , my son only just got diagnosed and is 4 so we finally have a speech pathologist and a occupation therapist assisting us but that is only over the past couple of weeks , we are yet to discuss with them how to stop this behaviour , once I find out more I will gladly post on here , hope what ever we do find out will assist 🙂 |
| Bones235 | i have absolutely no idea how to help… but i can say i have been there… DAILY…anything and everything i have cherished has been busted or ruined by my son. he knows he has to hide or sneak to do it. but doesn’t understand that it’s wrong or hurtful. he also breaks his own toys or those of his brothers. i love the little guy more than life and i want to create a world he can grow in. it’s difficult. i would love to know the answer. |
Repetitive behaviour, anxiety, boredom, attention seeking, communication/ processing information confusion and destructive behaviour, self soothing/ stimulating behaviours are hard to work out the difference. If you haven’t observed the slightly different indicators It will make your work extra hard.
Write down little differences.
As you say it can look unconscious, but if your child is shrugging and saying I don’t know or I don’t remember or I didn’t do it.
Then giving them an emotional vocabulary is top priority.
seems extreme but so is the behaviour….Set up a camera that can’t be seen So you can observe the indicators if he is being secretive about the behaviour.
Often secretive can be an indicator of feeling guilty about the negative behaviour but not feeling safe to ask or not knowing that they need to ask for help if perfectionism is an issue…. “how can I fix my behaviour?”
Instead of saying no, no, no you can try diversion with explanation…… e.g. I think you are feeling tired, how about getting your blanket. (choose a blanket.that has threads similar to the destroyed material.)
Think creatively.
The destroyed babushka dolls. How do they fit together, maybe it was a sequencing issue. He was unable to get them to work. Frustration that they won’t work. Using too much force (this cause affect regulation gets worse as they get stronger…..how much force is needed to unscrew a lid, retighten a lid?…..how much force Is needed to make something fit without breaking it?)
Did he have a dream about them or see some on the internet? Ask questions.
Try to work on one issue at a time, isolate it from ALL the other behaviour. This appears to be the only way to see effective change.
Weariness of repeating ourselves is a vital change we need to work on in ourselves.
Repetition of simple explanations are imperative.
Explain it different ways. Ask him to repeat what you say.
For example “I’m feeling tired, Ill go get my blanket.
or he might say “I’m not tired.” Make him accountable.
Tease out an answer.
“What are you feeling then? Give him options….sad? Why?
Are you struggling with your visit to Nan’s the other day? What happened?”)
Accountability is often the perfect logical consequence. This way a lesson is learned until the behaviour becomes less and less.
A communication/ processing issue is not impossible. Just allow for processing time. You could say
Ill come.back in 10 minutes or it might work better if you just sit quietly.
Don’t get impatient. The more patient you are, the quicker your answer will be.
Know what you have struggles with yourself. Teach yourself.
Be accountable yourself to be able to support your son. Are you angry, disappointed etc. Tell your son, explain your feelings.”this is how I act when I’m disappointed. My mummy gave me the dolls and they were special. I could have shown you how to fit them together.”
We can’t really have private things with our little ones. But as they get older, it gets easier.
E.g.
The rules have to be the same for everyone though.
I have a special drawer. This drawer is inspected by each of my sons. Then it was closed and left alone to be mine.
Each son has a special box. Each boy respects that box.
With the oldest this was the hardest to teach.
The oldest shares EVERYTHING whether his or not.
Is it generosity?
Is it jealousy?
One emotion at a time. One behaviour at a time. Let the little things slip. You ll get to it later.
Don’t over stimulate.
Get him to analyse your moods.
This is all imperative learning.
Our job as parents is to teach our little ones emotional literacy.
Sensory self soothing is a vital part of a happy child.
Find what works for your child.
Ask “what is he getting out of this behaviour?”.
Attach a mood… use explanations.
Not just stopping at…why did you do that?
Have you tried a rewards system at all, my daughter is 4 1/2 and was diagnosed 1 month ago as being on the spectrum, however we were using the system before hand being assured by her previous Paed Specialist it was a behavioral issue, hence why she was diagnose at a late age…even with all the obvious symptoms and our detailed description of her unfamiliar behavior…..Delayed speech/sensory overload/public interaction..
Thankfully we are now in the care of another Specialist.
I am sorry to hear this, I also want to thank you for posting this. To know someone is going through the same things as you are takes a little bit of weight off the shoulders. The only thing that has helped with us is social stories, My little girl finds it hard to express her self and we find that’s when she starts to destroy things. So maybe do a story about him breaking something and how it makes you feel. I would also do a story of when I feel sad, Mad, Alone I can talk to mum or dad or hug a teddy. Doesn’t stop it completely but reduces and they start to understand what to do if you read them the social story every day.
I feel for you , we too have the same issues , my partner and myself are into dragons and wizards , have always been , all our ornaments that we have left have ended up in a box put away for now , we don’t leave anything out that we don’t want our little man to damage , yes we do use the word no a frequently but have fond it does not work very well with our son , our modular lounge has been destroyed by our son , he will sit there and pull out the fine strands when we are busy cooking dinner , hanging out washing or even going to the toilet , we have holes on the lounge everywhere because of it , he has done the same with his mattress to his bed , he also like to pull out the fine threading on my bra’s and underwear , he has no respect for any of his toys or clothes as he will throw them around , smash and break them , we have tried everything to try stop him from doing all this , my son only just got diagnosed and is 4 so we finally have a speech pathologist and a occupation therapist assisting us but that is only over the past couple of weeks , we are yet to discuss with them how to stop this behaviour , once I find out more I will gladly post on here , hope what ever we do find out will assist 🙂
i have absolutely no idea how to help… but i can say i have been there… DAILY…anything and everything i have cherished has been busted or ruined by my son. he knows he has to hide or sneak to do it. but doesn’t understand that it’s wrong or hurtful. he also breaks his own toys or those of his brothers. i love the little guy more than life and i want to create a world he can grow in. it’s difficult. i would love to know the answer.