Autism and Challenging Behaviour Part Seven – How to prevent a child on the autism spectrum from taking their clothes off. Some great tips!

Autism and Challenging Behavior

Autism and Challenging Behavior

As regular readers of AutismTalk  and this blog know we are very interested in discussing how  people with autism and ASD and their caregivers have managed  to deal with the myriad of social situations which can be generated by the interaction of autistic people with the world.

One of those issues which frequently comes up is that of taking off clothes in unsuitable places.  Indeed there is quite a famous autism meme on the internet which reminds its readers “Not to be surprised if someone appears in the nude in this house” or words to that effect.

Our son, I’ll be honest, while happy to wear clothes does like taking them off for serious activities like playing on the iPad or watching science fiction on the TV.  It normally takes him around 30 minutes before he has  removed at least one garment after returning from school or a trip at the weekend.

That being said he never takes his clothes off at school unlike a number of his fellow students, according to the teachers at his unit .  Indeed over the last few weeks he has on a couple of occasions asked if we could put some back on.

I’d say it is for John a minor issue but for others this is very much not the case.   Indeed most people who see him after stripping know him well and are relaxed about it.  It would be great if we could hear from others about their experiences in this area.  It would be useful if you could think in terms of some of the following questions:-

a)     Do you have a problem with a child with autism taking off their clothes?

b)    Do you have a feel for what triggers this kind of behaviour and does it have any specific places where it manifests itself?

c)     How did you overcome it?

d)    What one piece of advice would you give to other parents and caregivers in such a situation?

These questions are only a guide.  Please feel free to use the comments boxes below to add anything you think may be of interest on the subject to our readers.

 

Nana62 How do you deal with a child with autism wanting to run naked as there is two children in the home which are girls. Will this become a bigger problem as the kids get older?Right now girl age 9, girl age 4, autistic boy age 6
Athansmom My 14 year old son has been stripping down naked outside and in the garage. Tonight he snuck out at 10 pm, stripped down and waded through the drainage ditches behind the house and behind the neighbors house. He said his head told him to go on a Safari adventure???? I would never go in those ditches in the daylight with clothes and shoes never mind butt naked.
teenaok45 My 14 year strips down to nothing when she is angry or wanting something. She will take off her shirt if she is hungry or wants something done right NOW.
The issue that our family struggles with is that she wants everyone else’s cloths. She wants to wear some of the cloths…..but most of the time it is only to carry around.  Our struggle with clothing every where all the time is a battle that I would like to WIN. I realize that the fact that she takes off her clothing to get her point across should have been addressed when she was much younger. Yet, I am the step mom. Her mother would always give her what she wanted to get her clothing back on. As we ignore her behavior she will finally start getting dressed again. Yet, there are times when she is completely passionate about something and will start banging her head or running down the road. AT this point I will give her what she is wanting. This is the first forum I have seen with even a discussion on this issue. I would like to find any one who has had this same issue??? I am wondering if there are any other suggestion out there. We have purchased weighted blankets / lap pads. I will even heat them up in the dryer. WE are only a week into this trial period. I am having to hide/lock up every ones clothing to keep her from gathering and carrying…..Thank you for any shares.
Tabbitha14 Keepemon.com a site we have created with a bodysuit that has helped our son carter keep his clothes on
ColtonsMomma My son is eight and a well known stripper in this area of Altoona PA my cure to limit this he doesn’t do it as often anymore I take and physically make him put the clothes back on himself as soon as he takes them off or when I see it coming He loves those silk basketball shorts boys wear so when he gets home he’ ll bring me a pair off his bed I try to understand he feels better when he is in loose clothes he won’t wear blue jeans or layers
Bones235 autistic5468 my son doesn’t want to wear anything… used to have to wait for him to fall asleep in order to get a diaper on him so he wouldn’t wet the bed. only thing we could do is let him go and limit his water intake before bed and make sure he goes potty before falling asleep.
MylaBides my 11 year old daughter who has autism and also profoundly deaf, removes her pants and diaper at times. sometimes while sleeping. so we’d wake up and she’s wet the bed. initially, when she was 9-10 yrs old, i got her swim suits over her diaper and under her clothes. it is just hard to dress her up because of the many layers, but she got used to it and we eventually stopped putting it on her. now, the behaviour is back and the swim suits are too small to fit her. so instead of getting her bigger swimsuits, we got her pants with a string around the waist that we can tighten in a ribbon to prevent her pulling them down. and a onesies which i hope she will not outgrow anymore.
i would recommend consistency when it comes to unacceptable behaviour. if i see her doing it, i pull them back up right away. even when she’s at home or in the privacy of her room.
ShannonKrohn autistic5468 I had a lot of trouble with my ASD son who is 3 now keeping his diaper on when he was younger , he would pull it off and waist so many diapers like that , I had to keep onesies on him for as long as i could and was lucky enough to find some larger ones , then i had to keep the zip up footie PJ’s on him until he figured out how to unzip them , i heard some people say you can cut the feet off and turn them backwards and that helps keep it on and the diaper , i also heard a few different people speak of duct tape around the waistline of the diapers lightly to prevent the child from pulling the tabs off
autistic5468 Does anyone have an Autistic child that will not
keep his/her diaper on. I have an Autistic child
that will not keep his diaper on for nothing.
dmwarwick My 16 year old son always likes to remove his clothes when he goes swimming in the pool.  Now, this wasn’t sure a big problem when he was 5 yrs old, but now that he’s hit puberty, it’s an entirely different story!  My sister is the only one that has a pool and so when she has parties at her house, my son will undoubtely want to swim and within minutes, the shorts are being flung out of the pool!  His other cousins are sometimes lifesavers and will put his shorts back on his (under the water), because he always seems to wait until he’s in the deep end to take off his shorts (where I can’t get to him).   I think he associates the pool water as the same as taking a “bath”.   He also likes to swim naked, which maybe that is not so abnormal, but you think about how it will affect him when he’s older and not able to live at home anymore (with Mom and Dad).    Does anyone else have problems with their child swimming or sleeping naked?  Not sure how common this is.   Thanks!
Terry Clark passionateapanda  I could not have said it better!!!!

Terry Clark mysonmyworld  This is a great idea and I will try to lay out his clothes before he gets to the point of stripping . At this point I will try any thing to keep him dressed. I am so scared to send him any where because in the end result some one will eventually call social service and give an opinion of some thing they know nothing about. I find that if people don’t know what is possible with an autistic child unless they have some education on the matter. Thank you for your input and your involvement on this site.
beaniebikerbabe mysonmyworld   same here although now he is older (13) he is not runing about naked, but is in his pj’s straight away from school and stays in them as long as he can, if we travel any distance he wants to be in pjama bottoms only and i am fine with this so long as he is covering his mondesty
graycelikerain My son, 9 yo Aspie, only has this issue when he goes to the bathroom.  I would hear him screaming and yelling from the bathroom because he couldn’t get his clothes off fast enough and apparently needed to REALLY go.  (He also had other “odd” bathroom behaviors).  He is now 9 and he still comes out of the restroom with his shorts on backwards and shirt inside out (which is how I know he still strips to go to the restroom).  As a baby, before we knew anything, he would fuss and fuss unless we took his pants off.  It was his diaper as well, back when they used plastic tabs vs the now fabric tabs.  He was fine with shirts.  Sensory was what we were always told, back when he was four.  However, now that he’s 9, I’ve asked him why he takes all of his clothes off when he goes to the bathroom (even in a public restroom – which he used to REFUSE to use anyones restroom but our own, in our house), his response, “I don’t know…I just do”.
mysonmyworld My son dose the same thing if people dont know anything about autistic behavior then they need to mind their own business
mysonmyworld As soon as my 10yr old autistic son walks in the front door he is stripping his clothes off. He hates wearing anything but basketball shorts and a big tee shirt So b4 i even go pick him up from the bus stop I set out a tee shirt and a pair of basketball shorts cause he wears a uniform to school. It helps to lay the clothes out b4 my son gets home that way when he gets home and starts stripping i can point and tell him ok theres your conffy clothes and he is not just walking around in his underware
tifleah It is probably sensory related. Have you noticed certain materials it is worse with to stick with only buying certain material, or remove all tags. My kids both do this at home. One is growing out of it, not as bad as he was, and one still does but not in public.
passionateapanda My 6yo autistic son does this frequently at home or grandmas where he feels comfortable. I personally have no issue with this behavior but my family doesn’t seem to be as accepting of this. I have recently had a social worker come to the home and ask “accusations are that you allow your son to run around naked is this true? ” I answer in fact he does this is his house and if he doesn’t want to wear clothes what’s the problem? I’m tired of other uneducated people making assumptions that because my child is naked there is a bigger issues there is and it’s their stupidity. He did however undress himself at school but he stopped doing that about 3 months ago. The second he comes home from school he takes them all off and runs threw the house FREE!
teenagerwithautistim I’m Autistic and this used to be a real issue for me personally – quite dangerously so-. I just very commonly didn’t understand what the issue was with it and it was by being discouraged from doing it is what stopped me doing it and eventually the situation fixed itself. I don’t personally advocate it but slapping me was what worked and kept me safe in public, I didn’t want to do it after that and it was embarrassing to be hit and I didn’t like being hit. If you could find a suitable deterrent for your situations, I’m sure that would work.
Terry Clark klcooks  Thank you for your reply and any advice is well taken. We have been up and down with Johnathan and he is aware some times ans others not. We have had some extremely embarrassing moments and some that have angered us to the point were we sounded off to the people who were so rude and uncaring to our grand son. We will always be aware of some one who will belittle children that are challenged when it comes to every day advantages and down rite disrespectful. We will embrace your ideas and put them to the test Thank you again for your thoughts and cares  Terry Clark  .
klcooks My son Chase has always been a “flasher” of sorts but as in everything, I’m learning he requires routine.  At home, I allow him to stay nude for about 5 minutes and then we put on his pajamas or a comfortable shirt with shorts.  He used to do it mainly in the car but now he only takes off his socks and shoes.  It’s been trial and error but I think the key is to not get frustrated.  I think Chase picked up on our embarassment and frustration at times and it only made it worse.  I will continue to train him as to what is appropriate so it can be routine.  Keep praying not only for our children but for the strength, courage and wisdom to care for them while we wait on real medical solutions.
Harmony6 This behavior only started recently (past 2 months) in my 9 y/o ASD son. He too, starts the strip upon arriving home from school, typically with his shirt and socks, but is often totally in the nude in his room when playing his iPad or on the family laptop. On occasion he will appear downstairs to watch TV naked much to the dismay of his sisters. He used to be very modest and now is unfazed. I gently remind him that not everyone is impressed or appreciates all of his body parts and since some are dirtier than others because they aren’t washed as often, perhaps they could be covered when using common areas and provided him a robe….We’ll see what happens!
Terry Clark I always have problems with him and clothes and it seems like the only time he will get dressed is if we are going to go out side and if it is nice he wants to undress.
LalaliciouzArciga Iam a motheof a 4 year diagnosed with autism and I have zthe same issues regarding the clothes matter he also don’t like socksnor shoes
Terry Clark I have not figured out why Johnathan takes his clothes off and I don’t  know if I ever will and it has become a big big issue for us to keep him in clothes.  We went to McDonalds play land and Jonathan took his clothes off in the slide and while we were trying to get his clothes on the manager approached us and very sarcastically asked if we was planning on dressing our son. and it was then that i realized that only a few people would understand what autism is and my Johnathan would always need some one to defend him as to the fact he cant talk or work out problems that are essential to functioning in every day living. and when it comes to people being cruel and demeaning to him he would not know that he was being attacked because of his Autism. Johnathan is very loving and dont have a violent bone in his body and when it comes to pain he does not react to pain in any way we would . I am fifty years old and have custody of my five year old grand son and my greatest fear is that I am going to get to old to take care of him when he is older . Johnathan does not have any one else to step up and take over the responsibility of guardian. I find every day I am living life in desperation to find away to make sure he will be loved and not abused when I am gone.and that is the worst thing I could live with.
FamWallman My son also feels warm or egen hot most of the time. I would like to know if anyone knows if there are any theories why they feel hot. Does it have anything to do with metabolism, nutrition, inflammatory, or something else?
autumnjoy79 My daughter used to strip when she was angry, it didn’t matter where she was at. She has since outgrown that stage. The only thing she does everyday is change her clothes back into pajamas as soon as she gets home from school everyday.
VickiDennison I’m wondering if it has something to do with feeling safe and secure at home and stripping outside or at school could be their way of telling us they don’t feel secure and want to go home? I know my son doesn’t like trousers with buttons and certain tops. He also hates wearing socks and they are the 1st things to be removed as soon as we walk thru the door
RosieMarie My son does this and I never linked it to the autism or the sensory issues.  He only does it at home in the afternoon.  It usually starts with his left sock.  about an hour or two later the pants will follow.  Next would be his shirt.  Last is the other sock.
Trixie Ong

Autism and challenging behaviour 14 – some ideas for helping keep the noise down

Noisy child

Noisy child

TRYING TO QUIET A LOUD AUTISTIC CHILD OR TODDLER || Autism Tips For Caregivers

Some great tips from and Autistic Mon who is also a great Youtuber. You can follow her on Twitter here.

For more in our series Autism and Challenging Behaviour have a look at our series here.

Autism and Challenging Behaviour Part 13 – Nail Cutting. How can to persuade an autistic child to have their toe or finger nails cut?

Autism and emotional connections

Autism and emotional connections

For the nearly a year now we have been running a series of blog posts which we have called “Autism and Challenging Behaviour“. These have varied from how to deal with meltdowns to going having a haircut.

In fact I’ve used it to get advice on issues relating to John our 8 year old son with ASD.

Last week in our Facebook page AutismTalk one of our readers asked the very reasonable question “anyone have trouble cutting your childs toe nails?”.

With well over 200 responses I thought this would be a great opportunity to share some of the tips shared by our other readers.

If you have any suggestions it would be great if you could use the comments box below to tell us more.

So here goes (and my apologies to anyone we have missed out) :-

“My 6 yo asd adhd sounded like we were trying to cut a limb off when we were cutting his finger and toe nails so I did them when he was asleep. Now he cuts them himself with nail clippers (under our supervision). He feels grown up, it’s far less stress for us all and the job gets done. Xxx”

“Its a sensory processing problem. Can get better through therapy. My 5 yr old is same way. Hes about to begin his therapy.”

” My son is now 15 and finger and toe nail cutting were always a problem. Unfortunately he has solved it by now biting them but the trauma of fighting gets too much after the many years. He hates hair cuts and grew his hair long. Then one day I told him he needed to have it cut and he had it cut to zero! Now he keeps it short by letting me give him regular trims but only when he is Sat in the bath. These sensory issues are traits of autism and we learn to cope with them along side our child as they grow. As we find a coping mechanism for one trait another trait appears. Good luck to you all xxx”


” I have a kicking 2 year old. He loves deep pressure and general “horseplay” and I discovered when he needed ear drops that I could roll him in a blanket like a burrito and he actually enjoys it! I use burrito boy method for lots of things now, including toe nail trimming! He just laughs and thinks it’s the greatest thing ever.”

“I feel for you, it’s so hard, like no one else would believe……our support team told us to brush toes or fingers first with a medium texture brush….perhaps toothbrush or something ( u can get sensory brushes from America) but that seems to send the right messages to the toes and fingers to expect pressure…..hope that’s some help. Good luck, keep going, we all hear you.”

“I only do my sons after a bath so his nails are soft. And with some reassurance and promising i wont hurt him. He lets me do them while singing 12345 once i caught a fish alive etc. Xx”

“My son is 5. He is okay when I cut his finger nails but his toe nails is torture for him so I do it when he is watching tv or playing with his tablet. Washing hair has gotten better but he doesn’t like it when I’m pouring the water on his head. I tell him to cover his eyes and I try to rinse him off as quickly as possible and dry his face first when done. I think it helps too that I use a handheld shower head since it rinses the hair a little quicker. Good luck! I forgot to mention that having a visual schedule helps a lot. Try reminding him a day before that you will be cutting his nails and take a picture of you cutting his nails and show it to him next time to remind him and prepare him.”

“We used to. Then I told him that when he’s sleeping tiny monkeys poop in his finger nails and toe nails. Lol now when its time to cut his nails he is thankful that we’re cleaning out all that monkey poop”

“Just keep doing it on a regular basis build it into a routine and he will accept it mostly but if like mine still has off days lol just repeat repeat repeat youll get there in the end also offer a bribe i find that works usually something he likes good luck”

” Try using a nail file its way less scary for the child. I work in a day centre”

“Try massaging arms & legs firmly then gradually making your way down to hands & feet if the child is old enough explain & let them watch same with hair washing, put a mirror in the bathroom firm massage helps with the sensory & it would make our lives easier.. Mine is 14 now & he does his own, life gets better with time.. Goodluck.”

” Counting helps my daughter. So for example letting her know what number I am on and how many more we have left. She use to scream and kick and try to get away. Now counting she doesn’t. She understands the process behind counting so maybe that helps her mind understand!”

So what are your tips? If you have a question you would like to ask our group about autism and challenging behaviour why not write to info@patienttalk.org.

Many thanks in advance!

 

JenP When my son was younger numbers calmed him, so first we’d count out each toe as I clipped, but sometimes that wouldn’t be enough. He also loved Thomas The Tank Engine, each main character engine had a number painted on its sides, so we combined the trains and numbers and cut each nail in order.
I would name each train in order of number to matxh each toe clipped. Thomas, Edward, Henry, Gordon = 1, 2, 3, 4, and so on.
Kept his concentration and thinking of sources of happiness.

Autism and Challenging Behaviour Part 12. “The effect of autism on patients and the struggle the parents may face raising children with autism”

Autism Awareness Butterfly

Autism Awareness Butterfly

As you might know as part of our ongoing autism awareness campaign we run a Facebook Page called AutismTalk. The aim of the page is , in part, to provide people in the ASD community with a forum to share stories and ideas.

A few days ago one of our members asked a fascinating question. “Hi I’m doing a speech on autism I was just wondering if by chance u can enlighten me on the effect of autism to patients and the struggle the parents may face raising children with autism”. With over forty responses we felt it would be valuable to with our readers as aprt of our Autism and Challenging Behaviour series of blog posts.

Please feel free to use the comments section below to give any advice you have have about the challenges others face and also do share what you feel to be your big issues with regard to autism.

Maria mention one of the major concerns which I do share “One thing that affects a parent is the world around my boy not understanding him what if I died what would happen to him who would understand him like I do.”

On the other hand Elena commented “The struggle we face with my 6 year old boy even though he’s verbal and on high end of spectrum is dealing with the behavior prob , it impacts the whole family and adds additional stress to siblings. The other stress is them doing homework when challenges at school already exist. Not wanting to go to school and running towards traffic. All we can do as parents is pull all resources available do the best we can to see our kids succeed as adults and being independent but at times depending on situation makes it difficult to feel we are doing things right.”

“I think my biggest struggle of autism is not being able to understand my son because he has a severe speech delay. Also his over sensory when we are out and the world becomes over stimulating and it’s to much for him and he doesn’t listen at at. Dealing with that on a daily basis wares thin on patience quick.” was Roxy’s thinking.

Jessica shared “My biggest struggle with raising my beautiful daughter who has autism odd pica (eats non food items) anxiety and possible dyslexia is not being able to take away her sadness when she crys and says mummy why me dosnt god love me why me I tell her that God spent a little more time making her because she has added extras it brakes my heart not being able to do any more then hold her tell her it will be ok when deep down I don’t know if it’s going to be ok…could also be when trying to explain to other people why my daughter has melt downs that are sometimes out of my control and I.can’t stop feel free to inbox me I have so much to say”

“My daughter is 18. It has been hardest watching her struggle with social skills and anxiety. It makes our family feel alone to see everyone else’s kids growing up with friends and cousins and her alone. But she has amazing gifts and is taking college classes. Our family will move to Florida from new England so she can pursue her dream of working for Disney. Just because she has autism doesn’t mean she can’t have a good life. I’d sacrifice a lot to make that happen.” said Lisa.

Juliet’s view was shared by a lot of our other readers “The biggest challenge for me is trying to keep my cool with people who don’t understand my boys. My youngest is diagnosed autistic, my middle one has sensory integration issues and exhibits symptoms of ADHD and PDA, and my eldest has had serious struggles with social interaction and learning not to take everything literally. Only my youngest suffered serious speech delay, and he is the only one with a diagnosis. They are all very bright and do well when they’re interested. However, their progress at school is directly related to the quality of the teacher, and it is so frustrating. Each year, with each child, we have had to wait to discover whether the teachers will love them and get a kick out of getting the best out of them, or write them off as difficult and badly behaved, and complain at year-end about their lack of progress. My boys are my boys – smart, funny, affectionate, sweet-natured and transparent – but their brains are oddly disconnected from their sense of themselves: they won’t notice that they’re hungry or thirsty, or need sleep or the toilet, or are annoying someone else, or humming or tapping or twitching or fidgeting or repeating the same sentence over and over… But because they are bright and often very sensitive to outside stimulus, people cannot seem to believe that they can be so unaware of themselves, especially as they tend to be very self-conscious in certain situations – like my youngest loves to sing, and will sing all day, wherever he is, and regardless of whether it is appropriate. But if he notices that people are listening, then he is completely overwhelmed and cannot continue, so he won’t consider joining a choir. People usually love him, given time to get to know him, but I am sick of people judging him initially by their own sad, narrow and twisted standards, of always being the reasonable one who sympathises with their difficulties when I want to slap them for being too lazy to try to understand his (or his brothers’) struggles. Pm me if it would be helpful.”

Zara mentioned routine “My biggest struggle is when something changes in routine, it’s life you can’t control the world. But when something changes or disrupts what my son is doing, my anxiety shoots up as i know hes going to get very anxious or result in a meltdown. You lit see the change coming and you like ow god and look straight to see if he has noticed.
What makes it worse, is others looking & trying to get involved. Yes thank you for wanting to help, but i am lit screaming inside please leave him alone more fuss makes him worse. My son is 5, he has Autism, Global DD & SPD. I am qualified support worker for adults with Autism & LD and Teaching Assistant for children with ASD. If you need to know anything inbox me, as i’ve met alot of families and situations. Good luck! X”

“People expecting me to place my daughter in a residential care facility. It isn’t what she wants or what I want so sometimes I wish people would back off with their opinions” angers Vanessa.

For people like Kerri education is a major concern “A lot of parents do not know that the school system has programs to help in and out of school, even during the summer. They can come to your home and help the entire family. My son is in the spectrum and has been in school since he was 3. We have learned of widgets and weighted vests and blankets to help keep them calm in environments where it is hard to keep their stress levels down. He carried a Woody doll ( from Toy Story) for years. Now he carries a car in his pocket. It’s the little things that can keep them calm. They also have stones with encouragement words on them, but in order for these to work they must have time enough to understand the purpose in making them a reminder to stay calm. Videos and apps are a great way to teach them emotions and social cues. Now my man is in the second grade although he is still in speech and occupational therapy he is an A B student in a mainstream class. They are very capable to learn and cope with situations if the parent is able to stay consistent. As my son has had trouble with being around a big group of people with lots of noise he can now handle being social without it overwhelming him. I wish I could help more parents to deal with this because I have seen what can be done with my own child. You must never let what others think bother you. Because then your child has a hard time coping if his parent or guardian can’t handle it, they think they can’t either. They feed off the feelings of others around them. Staying positive is the best way to make your child understand that these things are normal even though they see situations as fearful and sometimes painful. My son would also look at me when he felt overwhelmed and I would simply give him a thumbs up or tell him simply that it’s ok. By me not making a big deal out of the noise or tons of people around us he eventually learned that this is normal and he can handle it. So pay attention to your child and see the expressions on their faces as most do not have any other way of communicating. Encouragement and keeping yourself calm is key. I have talked with parents and seen the way that others treat my son and I can tell you to never allow them to use this as a crutch in life. We all have autism traits as you think about your “pet peavs” you must learn to cope with them because otherwise they would control your life. No one needs any pity for the way they are in any aspect. Temper tantrums are one way children communicate whether autistic or not. They must be handled in the same manner. I have seen parents with autistic children that simply ignore them when having them. Timeouts and earning stickers for good behavior is a great way to deal with these, even if your in the middle of shopping it is best to stop and take a moment to let your child reflect on the situation and encourage them that it’s ok to feel the way they do, but they must learn to express it in a more calm manner to control their own stress levels. I know I have went on and on, but let me share one strategy that I have found works.
Take tennis balls and the holder. Color the balls. One green, yellow & red. Take privileges you allow them at every level. Red basically being grounded, but still allowing something to occupy their time. When they misbehave take the green ball, which would be all privileges. When on yellow they only have certain privileges they get because of their behavior. So on and so forth. Allow you child to earn the higher privilege levels back. This shows the can be rewarded for good behavior and positive reinforcement is always good. My son cannot stand loosing his green, as over time he has learned to be proud of keeping his privileges. Every week allow them a small reward for staying on green. My son gets a cheap car every week for staying green. This takes consistency from the parent otherwise it cannot work. As far as the child understanding the purpose, don’t give up. They will get it. There are any ways to reward good behavior, this is just one of my favs. I have found that the more positive you are about anything your child does the more positive they are. My son has lots of friends who sometimes allow him slack that they wouldn’t give other peers. I try to let them know that he should be treated the same as everyone else, because I would never want him to learn he is better than anyone else. If he thought that now “life” would be very hard on him once he is older. I love the fact that parents can get help from others and I think we should all learn that autism is special, but our children need to learn they must cope with their difficulties in life so they can be a part of society without feeling so out of place. I want for my son to know he is special because we all are, but I want him to understand his disabilities are not a crutch to get his way. I hope I have helped. Parents of autistic children must stay focused and it is hard work, but if we want our “au-some” kids to be learn we must see that it is done. Sometimes we underestimate what can be taught, even if it takes being very repetitive, they can learn and learn well. Only if we figure out their unique way of thinking.”

Violence is a worry for Valerie ” Violent behaviour towards myself & my other daughter is my biggest struggle and as someone else mentioned, she is getting bigger and stronger and I am less able to stop it. She often won’t listen to reasoning when I try to explain the reasons why I am not allowing her to do some of the things she wants to”

Late diagnosis was Vicky’s big concern: “My biggest struggle was because my daughter wasn’t diagnosed (11) , before her diagnosis I had no idea why she was behaving the way she was , she was diagnosed aged 7-8 with ADHD but still some if her behaviour didn’t make sense to me , just over a yr ago the docs mentioned ASD , when I looked into so much made sense , 10 mths ago she was diagnosed , theirs still a lot I need to understand and learn but just getting the diagnosis had changed do much x”

A similar situation for Louise ” Life can be a struggle and emotionally exhausting to list a few my sons 13 only got diagnosed with autism in May he’s managing to cope better as he’s getting older but still has his moments his speech has improved thanks to speech and language gives eye contact thanks to a p2 teacher and is finally able to socialize a bit better and is actually making friend he’s came on leaps and bounds over this past yr and has a great support teacher in high school we don’t have a really close family my husbands foster mum some times watches our son if needed but that’s it!!! so can be very lonely at times when he would have a melt down at school bite someone or kick and punch they other mothers didn’t understand as he got made to be the bad kid and kids just started to no like him same with some of our friends who have “perfect kids” they think its not normal behavior but in bens world it is!!! thankfully he’s growing up to be a lovely young man can be very loving and helpful but as he’s officially a teenager now I have the huffiness and major over reactions which he finds hard to control himself but life would be very dull with out him all I do is support him the best I can as he’s growing up its a worry though will he get a job and stick to it will he settle down with someone suppose only time will tell x”

Melissa looks at us as parents and says “My biggest challenge as a parent is patience. My son is very smart but sometimes it takes him a while to pick up on simple things. Being patient makes things less stressful for all of us.”

Monique mentions foods “My twin sister, aged 30 (diagnosed at age 5) only eats 7 foods-fried bacon, fried chicken thigh, juiciful oj, ovaltine biscuit, mangoes(3types), oranges and water . note specific names. My parents had to buy her food in bulk first then get grocery for the rest of the fam. Finances were a challenge but we are still managing. Behaviour wise she jumps and make sounds when excited. She used ti throw tantrums when not getting what she wants. She is much calmer now. She speaks a few words. Her non verbal communication is very good. As a fam we have learnt great patience and understanding. She is a blessing to us. Her interests are watching beauty pageants and history documentaries, using the computer, figuring out electronic equipment. She knows all the flags and countries of the world but cant spell cat. She can write them in any order she wants whether alphabetical or by region. She is a mild case. She loves to play in her hair and style it . she smiles and hugs a lot when she is ready.”

For Sara as with many parents communication is a big issue “My son is 14 and is high functioning. My biggest struggle is dealing with how he converses. We understand that he obsesses about certain subjects and struggles to hold a “normal” conversation with others. He gets bullied often because most kids his age have outgrown his interests and think he’s weird. We work on proper conversing techniques, asking about the other person etc. He forgets when he’s excited and won’t stop talking until he’s made his point, even if interrupted. It’s hard to know he’s struggling at school and not being able to be there.”

As it is for her namesake “My biggest struggle is trying to figure out my daughters wants. She has limited vocabulary. She’s a runner so I have to have a constant eye on her outside and have to make sure she has zero access to the front yard. If her routine gets messed up I have to be ready for a meltdown because it will happen. When she’s upset, which doesn’t happen often, she pulls hair, pinches, or bites while she is screaming. She doesn’t understand dangerous situations so I have to make sure to keep her safe at all times. for instance if I’m cooking on the stove top I make sure to use the back burner but she’s kept out of the kitchen with a baby gate. All doors to bedrooms, hall closets, and bathrooms are locked at all times. I would never trade her for what society deems a normal child as God chose our family to love and care for her. She touches the lives of those she meets and our church absolutely adores her. I have told people you never know unconditional love till you spend an hour with her as all she sees is joy”

Finally Jamie highlights the costs involved in bringing up a child with autism “We felt Ryder who’s 3 wasn’t ready for preschool this year. Our biggest struggle is finances! Only one person can babysit him, which is grandma. She can only handle him 2 days a week due to his meltdowns. That leaves daddy as his full time caregiver. I am ashamed to say I can’t handle my son due do to my back. So, I work full time, and daddy maybe gets 2 days a week. I gross Max $2,200 a month, Ryder get ssi disability plus whatever daddy can bring home. No credit cards to help the in between. Rent alone is $1000. Utilities and food. Don’t qualify for foodstamps. It’s stressful trying to make ends meet. Family gives us toys for ryders birthday. Each one has caused us nothing but grief and meltdowns. That includes gifts for my daughter who’s 11. But our boy is so beautiful and amazing. One hour at a time.”

So please do comments on these idea and share any advice you may have.

Many thanks in advance.

Autism and challenging behaviour Part 11. Unconscious vandalism. Please can you help my wife and I with some advice please?

Our son who has autism

Our son who has autism

I’m not 100% sure how to explain exactly what my problem actually is. Perhaps the best way is just to tell the story of yesterday’s incident and ask for your advice as to how we can help our son (and ourselves) find a solution. I’ve included this as part of our ongoing series looking at autism and challenging behaviour. You can read the series here.

As you may of may not know we have a seven year old son (called John) who is on the autistic spectrum. As we know people with autism show a wide variety of behaviours and pretty much none show the same exact pattern. That being said many readers may have had similar experiences and will be able to suggest some ways my wife and I can work with John to try and end what I have called in the title of this blog post “unconscious vandalism”.

One of the things our son likes doing is to spend time on his own watching videos on YouTube. Mainly he like to watch science programs and similar. Although in the last week he has started to take an interest in voting systems but that is another matter.

Over the last few weeks he has taken to blockading the door to the room where we keep the computer with a chair. I can understand that like a lot of people with autism he likes to be on his own. That being said it seems now not to be the only reason.

Yesterday I came into the computer room in to get him to come to the kitchen for his supper and discovered what he had been up to. In the brief time since we had last looked in on him he has used a chair to climb up to the top of the bookshelves. He then took down a set of Russian dolls of which I was and am very fond and , well, smashed them up. Interestingly he did not bother to hide the evidence but just left the detritus of his actions on the floor.

I have no idea why he did so and on asking him it seems that neither does he. Hence my describing his actions as unconscious vandalism. I don’t think that he is taking revenge on us but again he does know it is wrong. He could certainly see I was upset when I saw the results of his afternoon.

By the way the incident can only have taken about 10 minutes since the last time we looked in on him.

So what to do? I have to say I’m totally clueless.

Thus I’m turning this over to you. What can my wife and I do to ween John off these kinds of behaviours? Have you experienced anything similar in your life?

It would be great if you could use the comments section below to share both your stories and any advice you may be able to give us.

Thanks very much in advance.

MANDY1967 Repetitive behaviour, anxiety, boredom, attention seeking, communication/ processing information confusion and destructive behaviour, self soothing/ stimulating behaviours are hard to work out the difference. If you haven’t observed the slightly different indicators It will make your work extra hard.
Write down little differences.
As you say it can look unconscious, but if your child is shrugging and saying I don’t know or I don’t remember or I didn’t do it.
Then giving them an emotional vocabulary is top priority.
seems extreme but so is the behaviour….Set up a camera that can’t be seen So you can observe the indicators if he is being secretive about the behaviour.
Often secretive can be an indicator of feeling guilty about the negative behaviour but not feeling safe to ask or not knowing that they need to ask for help if perfectionism is an issue…. “how can I fix my behaviour?”
Instead of saying no, no, no you can try diversion with explanation…… e.g. I think you are feeling tired, how about getting your blanket. (choose a blanket.that has threads similar to the destroyed material.)
Think creatively.
The destroyed babushka dolls. How do they fit together, maybe it was a sequencing issue. He was unable to get them to work. Frustration that they won’t work. Using too much force (this cause affect regulation gets worse as they get stronger…..how much force is needed to unscrew a lid, retighten a lid?…..how much force Is needed to make something fit without breaking it?)
Did he have a dream about them or see some on the internet? Ask questions.
Try to work on one issue at a time, isolate it from ALL the other behaviour. This appears to be the only way to see effective change.
Weariness of repeating ourselves is a vital change we need to work on in ourselves.
Repetition of simple explanations are imperative.
Explain it different ways. Ask him to repeat what you say.
For example “I’m feeling tired, Ill go get my blanket.
or he might say “I’m not tired.” Make him accountable.
Tease out an answer.
“What are you feeling then? Give him options….sad? Why?
Are you struggling with your visit to Nan’s the other day? What happened?”)
Accountability is often the perfect logical consequence. This way a lesson is learned until the behaviour becomes less and less.
A communication/ processing issue is not impossible. Just allow for processing time. You could say
Ill come.back in 10 minutes or it might work better if you just sit quietly.
Don’t get impatient. The more patient you are, the quicker your answer will be.
Know what you have struggles with yourself. Teach yourself.
Be accountable yourself to be able to support your son. Are you angry, disappointed etc. Tell your son, explain your feelings.”this is how I act when I’m disappointed. My mummy gave me the dolls and they were special. I could have shown you how to fit them together.”
We can’t really have private things with our little ones. But as they get older, it gets easier.
E.g.
The rules have to be the same for everyone though.
I have a special drawer. This drawer is inspected by each of my sons. Then it was closed and left alone to be mine.
Each son has a special box. Each boy respects that box.
With the oldest this was the hardest to teach.
The oldest shares EVERYTHING whether his or not.
Is it generosity?
Is it jealousy?
One emotion at a time. One behaviour at a time. Let the little things slip. You ll get to it later.
Don’t over stimulate.
Get him to analyse your moods.
This is all imperative learning.
Our job as parents is to teach our little ones emotional literacy.
Sensory self soothing is a vital part of a happy child.
Find what works for your child.
Ask “what is he getting out of this behaviour?”.
Attach a mood… use explanations.
Not just stopping at…why did you do that?
MamiAyo Have you tried a rewards system at all, my daughter is 4 1/2 and was diagnosed 1 month ago as being on the spectrum, however we were using the system before hand being assured by her previous Paed Specialist it was a behavioral issue, hence why she was diagnose at a late age…even with all the obvious symptoms and our detailed description of her unfamiliar behavior…..Delayed speech/sensory overload/public interaction..
Thankfully we are now in the care of another Specialist.
Sarah_Hills I am sorry to hear this, I also want to thank you for posting this. To know someone is going through the same things as you are takes a little bit of weight off the shoulders. The only thing that has helped with us is social stories, My little girl finds it hard to express her self and we find that’s when she starts to destroy things. So maybe do a story about him breaking something and how it makes you feel. I would also do a story of when I feel sad, Mad, Alone I can talk to mum or dad or hug a teddy. Doesn’t stop it completely but reduces and they start to understand what to do if you read them the social story every day.
ChantelleLeluda I feel for you , we too have the same issues , my partner and myself are into dragons and wizards , have always been , all our ornaments that we have left have ended up in a box put away for now , we don’t leave anything out that we don’t want our little man to damage , yes we do use the word no a frequently but have fond it does not work very well with our son , our modular lounge has been destroyed by our son , he will sit there and pull out the fine strands when we are busy cooking dinner , hanging out washing or even going to the toilet , we have holes on the lounge everywhere because of it , he has done the same with his mattress to his bed , he also like to pull out the fine threading on my bra’s and underwear , he has no respect for any of his toys or clothes as he will throw them around , smash and break them , we have tried everything to try stop him from doing all this , my son only just got diagnosed and is 4 so we finally have a speech pathologist and a occupation therapist assisting us but that is only over the past couple of weeks , we are yet to discuss with them how to stop this behaviour , once I find out more I will gladly post on here , hope what ever we do find out will assist 🙂
Bones235 i have absolutely no idea how to help… but i can say i have been there… DAILY…anything and everything i have cherished has been busted or ruined by my son.  he knows he has to hide or sneak to do it. but doesn’t understand that it’s wrong or hurtful.  he also breaks his own toys or those of his brothers. i love the little guy more than life and i want to create a world he can grow in.  it’s difficult.  i would love to know the answer.